Week 1 – The Aftermath

 

It’s been 6 and a half hours since she did the deed.  Here I am in a half-empty pub with 2 friends, surrounded by 70 year old women, sitting in silence whilst listening to the bingo numbers being called in a game we’re not even playing.  And if that’s not bad enough, every number that gets called out seems to mock my plight in some cruel and deliberate manner…

58    Well that’s clearly the age I’ll next get married…

29    Of course, the average number of online dating rejections I will receive on a daily basis…

Legs 11!      My wife had legs…

7    The frequency per day in which I will now console myself with 15 minutes of ‘casual intimacy’ whilst weeping softly into a balled up pair of socks as Planet Earth plays on in the background through such a well-used Netflix subscription that it would have single-handedly brought down the Blockbuster Video empire in the late 2000’s…

61    Nope, got nothing.  Fuck you 61!  I’m not even important enough to mock now?

But it’s all ok.  The numbers really aren’t getting me down that much; life is so much more than passive Bingo.  After all, we’d just come 6th in the Pub Quiz!  *sigh*

……

I was at work when it happened.  A text came through on my phone and for some reason I just knew what it was before I read it.  You know when your phone shows you the first three words in a text before you open it?  Well mine was “Chris, I’m so…”

Who calls their loved one by name in a text?  No normal functioning human being does this unless it’s two things…either a telling off for not replacing the toilet paper on the dispenser (seriously a dick move) or its the preamble to bad news.  In fact, I’d go as far as to say that unnecessarily typing the recipients name in a message is the text version of “we need to talk” – nothing good has ever come from reading your name in a text, directed to you, in the history of Nokia 3310’s.

Being dumped by text is not a fantastic experience.  It pretty much sucks if you’ve only been in a relationship for 6 months, let alone a 5 year marriage – but that’s how it went down.  Out of the blue, whilst I was at work, she’d packed up and left me.  In the blink of an eye my life had seemingly gone from domestic bliss to a succession of those GIFs you see of people throwing shit on the floor exclaiming “fuck everything!”

So after I’d read it I put my phone away and composed myself.  15 minutes of staring blankly at my laptop screen followed – trust me, data entry is not that interesting.

There really is no point trying to plough on in these situations, ignoring the fact that a life-changing moment has just occurred.  If anything I’m a little disappointed that this was today’s life-changing moment; only three hours before I’d been notified by email that I had been specially chosen to try out a new penile enlargement tablet for only $29.99….now what am I going to do with the extra inches??

I jumped in the car, drove home and found nothing different within the house – nothing to even hint that my wife had packed up and left.  That’s a really bizarre feeling to see that my life had halved in value emotionally but that I was cash-rich in terms of Yankee Candles and old DVDs of Prison Break…

So this pretty much brings us full circle.  I called a mate of mine and we took my misery to the pub for the night.  No idea what life will look like tomorrow but one thing’s for sure, I fucking hate Bingo now!

 

Chris

 

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